Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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