I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
