Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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