I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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