i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
