Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
