My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
