just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
