Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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