My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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