I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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