grandma shit on top of the toilet
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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