Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
