So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
