Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
