Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
