Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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