Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
