textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
