Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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