My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
