I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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