my vag is so smooth its legendary
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
