dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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