grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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