The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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