I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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