Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
