trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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