Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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