Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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