I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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