Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
