I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
