Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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