I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
