god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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