The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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