I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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