you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
