grandma shit on top of the toilet
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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