I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
