The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize