I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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