Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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