running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
