Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
