Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Never underestimate the power of titties
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
