the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You are the jesus of drinking
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize