My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
