she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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