I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
