will power is for people who don't want to get laid
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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