life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize