I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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