in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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