So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
