I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
nutella sex= disaster
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
