Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
